im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
