I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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