So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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