why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
