one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
