There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
