I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
