Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
