he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
