he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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