Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She told me I should be a condom model.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize