i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
high people should be assigned attendants
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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