Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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