Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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