So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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