tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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