My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
