if you like me you must not know who I am
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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