The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
