You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Bring me that man meat
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
