I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
