You smell like a Billy Joel song
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize