I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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