new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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