Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
