Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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