My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
