When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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