well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
