How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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