the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
