at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
