What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
