I am midnight drunk by noon
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
