i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
