my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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