guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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