I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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