The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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