My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize