I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
