The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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