Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
