she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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