Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
