i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
