Betty ford says i'm here all night
my sisters under your porch take her home
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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