He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
