11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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