So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
