Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
