My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Everclear isn't food dammit
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