Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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