he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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