I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
