I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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