can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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