Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
