Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize